I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Put my back out twerking in the library again