Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
🍛
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *