At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot