You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx