When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn