If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌