My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
lol
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.