I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Had an epiphany today.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
This makes total sense…
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves