wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Fries, not lies.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler