I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Morning.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”