[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this