Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
You Might Also Like
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
When your parents check you’re ok.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.