Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family