This is my cat’s medicine.
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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
My time has come.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️