[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.