[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.