me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Doggies just call it style.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
You are what you delete.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.