[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster