When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
You Might Also Like
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel