At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Mhm.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…