humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.