Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
You Might Also Like
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there