KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
For the ones in the back.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
lol
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay