Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
lol
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Which wines pair best with gloating?