At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
You Might Also Like
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.