My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Holy moly
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper