Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?