(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
men, we mow at sunrise.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.