doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
A bold strategy
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch