just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*skinny dips into black hole
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.