Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Yup….perfect score!
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.