Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.