Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Golf would be better with landmines.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!