Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
only 11 steps left
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”