[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
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Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.