*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
You Might Also Like
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Respect
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]