You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
*orders delivery*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
selfie game
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham