[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
A family that plays together cheats.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.