“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends