I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.