If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down