I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*