If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha