“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.