Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.