If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I ate everything, including the H.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.