My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry