HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’