Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
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My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”