I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.